tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49914626870149631722012-02-27T22:41:57.636-05:00Monologue Jokes by Alex SchubertAre you interested in using my jokes in your monologues? I am available to write jokes for anybody who needs a monologue joke or two. If you need me, contact me by my email, which is alexschubs@gmail.com. Serious inquiries only! Thank you for reading my blog, and happy laughing!Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.comBlogger4471100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-88107096246263002542012-02-27T22:41:00.000-05:002012-02-27T22:41:57.644-05:00"Inhaling Helium"A teenage girl recently died after inhaling helium at a party. This might be only time that I laugh when I hear someone's last words.
A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.
Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?
Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-8823436269772348732012-02-19T16:11:00.000-05:002012-02-19T16:11:31.460-05:00"A Predictor Of Dementia"Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.
Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.
In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-44447676384649028082012-02-06T21:43:00.000-05:002012-02-06T21:43:57.060-05:00"Crotch Grabbing Dance"The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk foodAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-89749716527966315822012-01-07T00:56:00.000-05:002012-01-07T00:56:29.899-05:00"Driving With A Cold"Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-25418980223521551102011-12-31T23:42:00.000-05:002011-12-31T23:42:22.515-05:00"Knighted In England"Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.
China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.
The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.
Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-80292148211924607602011-12-28T23:03:00.000-05:002011-12-28T23:03:24.173-05:00"1 Trillion Playbacks"Mike Huckabee says that Mitt Romney will win the Iowa primary if the weather is nice on January 3rd. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God is preparing the world's largest thunderstorm.
Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate.
Robert De Niro has become a father atAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-49876258343360271172011-12-10T17:34:00.000-05:002011-12-10T17:34:45.104-05:00"Sex With Animals"McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-30225919641569603612011-12-06T23:21:00.000-05:002011-12-06T23:21:15.302-05:00"A Purse Thief"A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."
A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.
Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-28315895731129534182011-11-26T22:18:00.004-05:002011-11-26T22:19:50.492-05:00"Rod And Reel"The NBA lockout is over. Oh crap, what's SportsCenter going to talk about now?
There is a story of a sixth grader who develops iPhone apps. I hope he develops one that can get him a girlfriend.
A 13 year old boy in my hometown of Cincinnati was accused of raping a 5 year old girl in a McDonald's playplace. The boy was taken into custody, where he was later raped by Jerry Sandusky.
Mila Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-82949525476062511742011-11-21T06:29:00.006-05:002011-11-22T08:46:50.799-05:00"Fix-A-Flat"A researcher says that right handed people are less likely to like less familiar types of music like bluegrass and reggae. I completely disagree. Now if you'll excuse me, I just bought this Three Days Grace album, and I'm dying to listen to it.
Bradley Cooper has been chosen as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I was second to last, right next to Michael Moore's belly button.
A Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-62070268655420022652011-11-15T14:33:00.000-05:002011-11-15T14:33:27.886-05:00"Better Dancers"JWOWW of “Jersey Shore” was patted down by TSA agents at an airport in Fargo, North Dakota. Not surprisingly, the patdown lasted over nine hours.
Parents are sending away for lollipops that have been licked by a child who has the chicken pox so their own children can get the disease. I miss the old days when young parents would just kill their kids.
Newt Gingrich has risen to the top in the Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-45593137982805065272011-11-10T19:26:00.000-05:002011-11-10T19:26:23.606-05:00"Medical Bills"Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-17243560797457909072011-11-07T14:52:00.000-05:002011-11-07T14:52:18.286-05:00"Only Two Friends"Andy Rooney has died at age 92 from complications following surgery. I'm shocked. He had his whole life ahead of him.
John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?
Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.
An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-37879032178984153532011-11-03T21:27:00.000-04:002011-11-03T21:27:57.310-04:00"Banana Republic"An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.
A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-58672110832876220862011-10-31T00:01:00.000-04:002011-10-31T00:01:45.733-04:00"Nokia Lunia"Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-16170299612147211012011-10-28T20:08:00.000-04:002011-10-28T20:08:14.626-04:00"Large Quantities"A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.
A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.
The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-14082358605208152432011-10-25T20:52:00.000-04:002011-10-25T20:52:11.170-04:00"GPS Shoes"President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-8407968381730962012011-10-24T17:56:00.000-04:002011-10-24T17:56:51.596-04:00"Funnier Than Women"Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-67855616462307055322011-10-21T18:31:00.000-04:002011-10-21T18:31:18.613-04:00"The Luckiest Town"Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-21438414517749140972011-10-18T21:21:00.000-04:002011-10-18T21:21:19.772-04:00"Fecal Matter"Michelle Obama says the President is not a fan of the Kardashian’s TV shows. Well at least something good can be said about an Obama.
The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.
A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.
Actress Reese Witherspoon Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-1567120445237531292011-10-14T20:12:00.001-04:002011-10-18T21:23:02.210-04:00"Portable Toilets"An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-15849320362564500352011-10-11T19:43:00.000-04:002011-10-11T19:43:27.274-04:00"Running A Marathon"Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.
A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?
The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. This is the worst thing to happen to black people since the death of Biggie.
Rihanna says that Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-67443034287413841242011-10-09T21:21:00.000-04:002011-10-09T21:21:36.738-04:00"Aggravated Child Abuse"Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-78847907251984570232011-10-06T17:49:00.000-04:002011-10-06T17:49:05.934-04:00"Older Dads"Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.
The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.
Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-17047099279266694062011-10-04T21:20:00.000-04:002011-10-04T21:20:23.834-04:00"A Single Strand Of Hair"Madonna is set to perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. A sign she's going to be awful: she's older than the Super Bowl.
British scientists have created the world’s smallest periodic table on a single strand of hair. And yet, still no dentists.
Three Ohio State football players were suspended for being overpaid on their summer jobs. I thought being an Ohio State football player WAS Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-57664767660138472892011-09-30T14:02:00.000-04:002011-09-30T14:02:58.685-04:00"Toast Of The Country"A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.
FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.
A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-86795520555303502222011-09-27T14:54:00.000-04:002011-09-27T14:54:04.796-04:00"An Elk Hunter"A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. He went to the hospital, and while there, he was reminded by doctors that this is not the 14th century.
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-91030414785288718742011-09-24T21:30:00.000-04:002011-09-24T21:30:37.000-04:00"Asthma Inhalers"The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-82130141118052855412011-09-21T17:31:00.000-04:002011-09-21T17:31:39.935-04:00"Straw Poll"The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number willAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-83223649797821830092011-09-15T18:07:00.000-04:002011-09-15T18:07:31.584-04:00"Nude Photos"President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-14857962345688832772011-09-14T20:50:00.000-04:002011-09-15T09:56:04.917-04:00"Suspicious Packages"Nearly 1 in 6 Americans lives in poverty. The other five don't invest in stocks.
Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.
New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...
A study says that Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-90426315221567610182011-09-12T15:24:00.000-04:002011-09-12T15:24:51.247-04:00"A Young Dad"One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wantsAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-44734589055612980662011-09-10T14:56:00.001-04:002011-09-12T14:57:05.926-04:00"Mistakenly Tweeted"A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."
Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.
Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-20828134057519032072011-09-08T10:55:00.000-04:002011-09-08T10:55:08.207-04:00"Schweddy Balls"The CDC reports that fewer Americans are smoking cigarettes. Have they been to my family reunion?
People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.
Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-73283459057868433192011-09-06T10:40:00.000-04:002011-09-06T10:40:11.687-04:00"Joined Foursquare"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turns 49 on Tuesday. Don't expect the cake to last very long.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" says her weight loss secret is drinking vodka. Wait, what weight loss?
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Literally.
An Australian airline offered discounts to passengers after a man died on an 11-hourAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-47618834325359494722011-09-01T19:51:00.000-04:002011-09-01T19:51:55.179-04:00"Sexual Prime"An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. Oh, he's going to make a lot of friends in prison.
George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".
A human foot washed ashore on a beach Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-51271818057712305642011-08-31T16:04:00.000-04:002011-08-31T16:04:50.453-04:00"Enthusiasm Week"Thursday, Sept. 1, is the start of International Enthusiasm Week. So what?
Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.
In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’tAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-11285629338592148752011-08-30T22:32:00.000-04:002011-08-30T22:32:39.496-04:00"Bad Mothering"Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.
Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.
Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-56866971904589667602011-08-29T05:32:00.000-04:002011-08-29T05:32:25.545-04:00"Reportedly Pregnant"Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-27590634570201757392011-08-26T11:37:00.000-04:002011-08-26T11:37:34.706-04:00"Snakes In His Pants"Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over WashingtonAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-42127897505977575812011-08-24T20:43:00.000-04:002011-08-24T20:43:59.947-04:00"Resigned As CEO"Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford areAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-10728834400695922592011-08-22T00:37:00.000-04:002011-08-22T00:37:55.607-04:00"Alligator Fat"A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-32562531291352690622011-08-19T06:55:00.000-04:002011-08-19T06:55:11.371-04:00"The Most Debt"An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-28252984911841210762011-08-13T22:37:00.000-04:002011-08-13T22:37:09.961-04:00"The Most Hated Person"9 Million people watched the season premiere of "Jersey Shore". My sympathies go out to them.
Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.
Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-40141305225858788322011-08-07T07:10:00.000-04:002011-08-07T07:10:54.323-04:00"Descended From King Tut"A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.
Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.
A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-23894014629503275752011-08-03T11:17:00.000-04:002011-08-03T11:17:39.994-04:00"McDonald's Wipeouts"An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".
Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.
Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-45487646141340406772011-07-29T20:58:00.000-04:002011-07-29T20:58:01.584-04:00"Gaining Weight"In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.
Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.
A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?
Scientists say that time travel is Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-60949105705854747422011-07-25T22:36:00.000-04:002011-07-25T22:36:16.590-04:00"Ecstasy And Cocaine"The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-53382682639459139662011-07-23T19:25:00.000-04:002011-07-23T19:25:02.812-04:00"Spousal Support"Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-9120746481140353202011-07-21T15:52:00.000-04:002011-07-21T15:52:27.588-04:00My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon - 2nd time
He loves my screen name!Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-160291180491071322011-07-21T15:12:00.000-04:002011-07-21T15:12:00.810-04:00"Paradise Lost"“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-70481413220135911982011-07-19T13:01:00.000-04:002011-07-19T13:01:06.725-04:00"Briefly Interrupted Play"New Mexico is using Billy The Kid as a tourist draw because he was shot there. They used a murder to attract people? It's like America's version of Abbottabad.
The San Francisco Giants will visit President Obama at the White House. Of course, "Giants" is the nickname of President Obama's ears.
LA Laker forward Lamar Odom was in an automobile accident in New York. He was so disoriented that Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-69809643176816715732011-07-18T21:22:00.000-04:002011-07-18T21:22:20.862-04:00"Dog Meat Soup"Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-24925400935790261592011-07-15T16:35:00.000-04:002011-07-15T16:35:01.415-04:00"Double Leg Transplant"The Labor Department says that one in five recent college graduates is out of work. The other four don't have a liberal arts degree.
The first double leg transplant was done in Spain. I would like to congratulate the patient, Stump.
Elizabeth Smart is joining ABC News as a missing persons contributor. Unfortunately, she didn't show up to work on her first day.
A British company has started Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-12000507001965608802011-07-10T23:42:00.000-04:002011-07-10T23:42:37.522-04:00"A Jail Visit"A Phoenix suburb is experimenting with using dog poop as a power source. Of course, they're going to get it from the number one place that it exists: the bottoms of people's shoes.
LeBron James' popularity is at an all time low. To give you an idea of how low it is, even President Obama is laughing at him.
"Celebrity Rehab" star Kari Ann Peniche says she is pregnant and divorcing, with her Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-26051275131667535552011-07-07T23:29:00.000-04:002011-07-07T23:29:49.259-04:00"Acting Skills"Casey Anthony will be released from prison on July 13. She is being released on accounts of previous time served, good behavior, and huge tits.
ABC Television says its soap opera “All My Children” may continue its storyline on the Internet. Considering the title, I hope Casey Anthony isn't scheduled for a cameo.
The U.N. says that going green will cost the world $76 Trillion over the next 40 Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-69279985707924910302011-07-05T17:55:00.000-04:002011-07-05T17:55:48.314-04:00Monologue Jokes Special: Casey Anthony NOT GUILTYA lot of jokes have been posted about Casey Anthony. I have found some on Twitter and posted some of my favorites.
God must not like defenseless little girls. - @RitleySammich
It may not be a popular opinion right now, but I still think it's wrong to kill babies. - @robdelaney
"OMG, SAMESIES!" - O.J. Simpson's congratulatory call to Casey Anthony - @shiraselko
Right now, Casey Anthony is Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-1713602726991124592011-07-04T20:25:00.000-04:002011-07-04T20:25:11.849-04:00"Grunt Control"Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".
The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.
A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-58287097204394286542011-06-30T05:09:00.000-04:002011-06-30T05:09:25.675-04:00"Environmental Literacy"General Mills reported that its 4th quarter profits rose 51%. In other words, General Mills is a polar opposite of LeBron James.
June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".
Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?
Turtles Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-5046870951322961452011-06-27T20:29:00.001-04:002011-06-28T02:23:07.404-04:00"Legalized In New York"Gay marriage has been legalized in New York. Finally, some good news for A-Rod and Jeter.
Two Kansas golfers scored back to back holes in one on the same hole. Do you know what perverts call this? A threesome.
Lady Gaga is urging tourists to visit Japan despite the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. At least Japan is less of a disaster than her music.
Saab is out of money toAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-22337858241397026192011-06-25T01:07:00.000-04:002011-06-25T01:07:15.574-04:00"Sexual Sin"Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.
Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.
A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-89766238504244199432011-06-24T02:43:00.000-04:002011-06-24T02:43:35.595-04:00"A Wailing Baby"Winds of up to 100-mph were clocked in the Chicago area on Tuesday. Now what do they call Chicago again?
George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.
President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.
The FDA says problems with Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-52748904273547622552011-06-23T23:16:00.000-04:002011-06-23T23:16:17.940-04:00"A Schizophrenia Medication"Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race. John Huntsman? Say no more...
Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.
A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-58669477466296427722011-06-21T19:44:00.000-04:002011-06-21T19:44:30.410-04:00"A Referee's Error"In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-5373553586812659992011-06-20T19:56:00.000-04:002011-06-20T19:56:36.497-04:00"Too Drunk To Sing"An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".
A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.
A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-48679404459424668772011-06-18T19:15:00.000-04:002011-06-18T19:15:22.728-04:00"Close Relationships"A study says that Facebook users are big on trust and close relationships. Because when I think of Facebook, two words that come to mind are "trust" and "relationships".
New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I meanAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-20638465743475808372011-06-17T01:29:00.000-04:002011-06-17T01:29:13.468-04:00"Officially Resigned"Anthony Weiner has officially resigned. God, I wonder what he's going to do with all his free time.
A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.
Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-17934245307084502212011-06-15T22:12:00.000-04:002011-06-15T22:12:54.655-04:00"Better Than Anyone Else"The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-71786662326551069212011-06-14T22:09:00.000-04:002011-06-14T22:09:45.133-04:00"Using The F-Word"Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-59196044862731478702011-06-13T19:28:00.000-04:002011-06-13T19:28:00.422-04:00"A Round Of Golf"Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".
June 13 is the Olsen twins' Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-35133459139217147032011-06-08T23:08:00.000-04:002011-06-08T23:08:56.144-04:00"Rent-A-Grandma"USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.
The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.
There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-7078699509325468562011-06-07T14:57:00.000-04:002011-06-07T14:57:22.367-04:00"Foreskin Man"Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that the underwear photo that appeared on his Twitter account was his. With a name like Weiner, what do you expect?
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-7523636756651732622011-06-01T13:44:00.000-04:002011-06-01T13:44:36.534-04:00"Chosen By Their Fans"Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. In other words, she won't be going to her house for awhile.
The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?
A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-29571663342320696132011-05-29T21:45:00.000-04:002011-05-29T21:45:49.091-04:00"The Fire In My Belly"A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-25620979911342425282011-05-24T22:08:00.000-04:002011-05-24T22:08:12.119-04:00"His Rapture Prediction"In the California prison system, there are reports of 54 people sharing a single toilet. At the same time.
Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.
60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-31950803903598952722011-05-23T17:36:00.000-04:002011-05-23T17:36:11.114-04:00"Allergic To Electricity"Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-90191813355911458642011-05-18T22:10:00.000-04:002011-05-18T22:10:22.533-04:00"Mentally Incapable"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-86333669805387085762011-05-16T22:01:00.000-04:002011-05-16T22:01:40.720-04:00"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.
Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.
NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 secondsAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-85004285078868823142011-05-14T19:34:00.000-04:002011-05-14T19:34:54.572-04:00"50 Pound Breast Implants"A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-41289305729636368172011-05-10T22:15:00.000-04:002011-05-10T22:15:32.712-04:00"Viagra Condom"President Obama said the SEAL’s raid of the bin Laden compound was “the longest 40 minutes of my life.” And he hasn't even been to my standup shows.
A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.
Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay freeAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-75005486198548122522011-05-09T22:44:00.000-04:002011-05-09T22:44:45.295-04:00"Water And Trail Mix"South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-71859432057876723492011-05-05T19:52:00.000-04:002011-05-05T19:52:41.668-04:00Monologue Jokes Special: Self-DeprecationA new study indicates obese people have less satisfying sex lives. And I fall under the category of "really obese people have no sex lives".
Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in Las Vegas, Wednesday. Aww, marriage. Something I will never experience.
Prince Charles has criticized government farm subsidies, saying the money could be spent more wisely. It could be used to give me a Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-91787217896106363482011-05-03T20:25:00.000-04:002011-05-03T20:25:06.441-04:00"Death Over Capture"Police in Las Vegas arrested rapper Flavor Flav. He used his teeth to pay his bail.
Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?
Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.
Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-25938602377221943042011-05-02T20:54:00.000-04:002011-05-02T20:54:11.753-04:00"Confirmed Dead"Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Hey Osama, it's too bad those 72 virgins aren't in hell.
Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.
President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-78838315264686849972011-05-01T23:38:00.000-04:002011-05-01T23:38:04.950-04:00Osama Bin LadenOsama Bin Laden is confirmed dead. Here is my final rant on Osama. Viewer discretion is advised.
Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-73034603471341184672011-04-29T22:29:00.000-04:002011-04-29T22:29:32.756-04:00"Acting Classes"I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what itAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-3769318522395114512011-04-27T16:36:00.000-04:002011-04-27T16:36:51.131-04:00"The New Voice"Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?
The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.
Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".
Former NewAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-24928724399325440372011-04-25T16:39:00.000-04:002011-04-25T16:39:50.262-04:00"Not Running For President"A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not toAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-13308135802713885962011-04-21T17:56:00.000-04:002011-04-21T17:56:02.757-04:00"Shorter Relationships"Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-6866184856672263182011-04-20T17:57:00.000-04:002011-04-20T17:57:17.413-04:00"Cheery People"A Florida agency is being investigated for spending thousands of dollars to buy superhero capes to give to the unemployed. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these people are also unmarried.
Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-83021183996503738752011-04-19T21:39:00.000-04:002011-04-19T21:39:26.419-04:00"Absolutely Good"NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-68869431431965238912011-04-18T23:29:00.000-04:002011-04-18T23:29:40.135-04:00"Hesitant Speech"An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods saysAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-39550463115331512342011-04-15T18:14:00.000-04:002011-04-15T18:14:03.657-04:00"Their Own Advice"Jennifer Lopez has been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman. Coming in a close second: Justin Bieber.
A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.
A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-31660960230709339932011-04-13T14:50:00.000-04:002011-04-13T14:50:31.540-04:00"A YouTube Video"Mitt Romney started his White House run with a YouTube video. Romney is exactly like Rebecca Black: an annoying little girl making news on YouTube.
An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.
Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-82531758085909658502011-04-11T08:53:00.002-04:002011-04-12T16:21:32.691-04:00"Off The Air"Former Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is going to run for the New Jersey state senate. I think he's going to win, because we all know how good Carl Lewis is at running.
There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.
The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-31608931069380477422011-04-08T20:17:00.000-04:002011-04-08T20:17:58.015-04:00"National Beer Day"Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?
A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?
A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be foundAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-60106716063780954192011-04-05T22:35:00.000-04:002011-04-05T22:35:20.419-04:00"Signature Phrases"A New York congressman received a bloody pig’s foot in the mail. Nobody does that. No, I'm not talking about sending a bloody pig's foot. I'm talking about the fact that nobody checks their mail anymore.
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain ofAlex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-38876701549958692792011-04-04T17:59:00.000-04:002011-04-04T17:59:57.301-04:00"A Bookless Library"President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-80348365843246293682011-04-01T20:27:00.000-04:002011-04-01T20:27:16.745-04:00"Ugly Kardashian"Khloe Kardashian says it’s tough to keep her self esteem when people refer to her as the “ugly Kardashian”. Isn't the "ugly Kardashian" kind of like being named the "shortest of the seven dwarfs"?
There have been reports that say that your name can determine your destiny. This is bad news for Miami native Bob Sharkbait.
A new report says that more health studies of gays and transgenders are Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4991462687014963172.post-1290087456153391282011-03-31T21:06:00.000-04:002011-03-31T21:06:00.802-04:00"Killing Elephants"A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of Alex Schuberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01136224894365106754noreply@blogger.com0